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  • AA Drop Outs

    I personally have been in and out of AA most of my life, I am 50 years old and the first AA meeting I went to I was 18 years old.


    Not here to fully bash AA being it does help many people.
    I did accomplish different sobriety years, 5.5 years, 2 years, 18 months, 1 year etc..


    A lot of good comes with staying sober but the bondage I felt that I can't drink drove me absolutely insane.


    Many times I was so miserable & could not explain it and had to grind through it without any relief like a good strong drink or some very good, solid & effective direction to help alleviate this horrific misery I felt at times!
    The only thing I seem to hear was call your sponsor, go to a meeting, pray etc. and after 5.5 years of this I said screw this I am drinking so I drank and enjoyed it.


    Most of my sobriety consisted of being saturated in AA, went to a meeting every night, had commitments, led meetings, did literature, coffee, secretary, helped clean up, GSR, had panels, started a men's stag, went to Round up every year in Torrance, AA conventions in Palm Springs, San Diego etc. I was involved.
    Also had sponsors, worked steps, did the 4th & 5th with 2 different people yet I drank.


    My latest attempts a few years ago I did not feel like I belonged there, I just could not connect with anyone. Related to things shared just could not seem to connect with anyone or group, it just was not happening.


    The last 5 or so years I have went through absolute hell, unable to get decent employment after countless interviews, tests etc. most of which I did very well on!
    I can't explain how many times I walked out of an interview thinking "I got the job" only a week later to get an email saying how wonderful I did but we went with another candidate.


    During a good part of this I worked part time making a fraction of what I was making, no benefits just pay crumbs and I hated it.


    I was feeling like a complete loser!


    I had serious financial struggles as well and how I made it through this is nothing short of miraculous, I think I had help beyond myself & not human help.
    I did drink quite a bit during this time but usually in late afternoon/evening after I spent the day taking care of my responsibilities like looking for a job, finances, searching for anything that could help me mentally and help reduce or quit drinking.


    In my search for help I was open for just about anything except going back to AA. I even tried church a few times, messages where nice but just no connection.
    I even did the prayer turning my life over to Christ, went to the front of the Church for prayer etc. yet nothing seem to happen?

    Maybe something did or is happening & I just am unable to see it right now, who knows?

    I also did hours upon hours over several years of research online while sitting in my misery, it helped take focus off my misery while actually doing something constructive.


    Then I began trying different things I found online, found ways to get more nutrition in my body being I ate primarily double cheese burgers from McDonalds also self help web sites, support group sites to vent.


    I found different things that have helped tremendously, it helped with depression, anxiety, energy and they work very well for me.


    I connected with some Lady in VT on a site called supportgroups.com after I spilled my guts on a post, I put it all out there & this Lady totally got it, she understood unlike anyone I ever met. I did not know her, never even seen a picture of her yet we connected on a level beyond belief.


    AA is all about 100% abstinence and I am about if I quit I quit and if I don't then I don't.


    I want to see progress, results, life improvement not getting a chip for not drinking.


    If you offer me a million dollars to stop drinking for a year, 2 years whatever I can do this I did it for a chip so I certainly would for a million dollars and after the time is up, cheers!


    I also did it because I was told it will get better and it really didn't.

    I want to not drink because I don't want to not to get a chip and if I drink I don't want to feel like some loser who has to stand up as a new comer because I drank.


    What about what I have achieved, the new things I have found that work well & have me doing better.

    Key words "desire to drink", I say find a way to make this desire reduced not quitting for a chip or a cake that don't work for me.


    Many people don't do the steps or they do them half ass because they are a pain in the ass.
    Some work them with no problem however I believe most do not and that is why AA success rate is not super high, that is why many people relapse and many like myself have completely given up.
    Many people are not interested in working 12 steps that's just the way it is and this is not necessarily due to "they are incapable of being honest" as the readings say at the beginning of every meeting if I remember right.


    The belief in AA is if you don't work the steps you will drink?
    People have stayed sober for years without working the steps and some relapse yet on the same token others have worked all the 12 steps & stayed sober as well yet wound up relapsing also so maybe it helps to work them but I certainly do not believe it is the only way to stay sober.


    People who think this is the only way to stay sober are probably the same ones who think we are the only living planet in the entire universe.


    I think a big reason I drink every night now is I am always alone & I have to deal with several things like getting ready for work the next day, paying bills, making dinner, laundry etc. and it is much better to do when sucking down drinks being I hate doing most of it.
    I pretty much have a cut off time, I then eat, shower & go to bed.


    I don't deny the fact I do drink a little too much and I am getting tired of it & my primary excuse seems to be loneliness so who knows?


    Good healthy role models growing up where not really there100% and the ones drinking seem to be the happiest and when I finally drank I understood this happiness and it has never really ended.
    It became a coping tool that I found very early on like 13 years old, caused some trouble throughout my life but always gave me relief.


    It also becomes a double edge sword, helps me feel better in the evening but seems to produce anxiety and weirdness the next day, it got pretty bad to the point of barely being able to drive I was getting very freaked out driving.


    After finding a few things that have helped quite a bit the driving paranoia has went away and I actually drive a large commercial truck now for work.


    Now I am ready to try other approach's and be around others that understand, relate & have also found themselves living in a lonely world and drinking works very well to mask this loneliness yet it also helps keep me here as well.




    Alcohol works well to numb this loneliness (at least for me) however it is not human and it is not how I want to live anymore.


    I hope to meet others who get what I am saying!


    Good luck & GB.......
    Paul........................

  • #2
    To be honest I wrote this a few weeks ago trying to start a AA Drop Out chat.
    It was simply to find others in a similar situation, kind of reaching out.

    I was hoping to start something just like MM & now I found MM and don't need to start anything it is already here!

    Thank you to who ever started this site!

    Comment


    • #3
      Thanks very much Ski, very cool message and very encouraging. I really am liking this place I get a true feeling of being welcomed, people seem really nice and understanding here, this is just what I've been looking for & I will continue to post & read & hopefully make some head way soon here.

      I am not sure what path I am heading for myself, I am pretty open at this point. I just like the fact that this is not a 100% abstinent program, it don't make you feel condemned if you drink being chances are I will. I do want to cut back quite a bit and if I do find myself not drinking for long periods to possibly not drinking at all then fine but if I do drink fine as well just not every night as I am currently doing, not fine.

      Thanks again Ski have a great day!

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      • #4
        pauly6617 i don't know a lot about AA but my feeling is that you are expected to be a victim. Powerless in the face of this terrible disease that you have no control over. Certainly not for me. Here at MM we are empowered. We can set goals and work towards them. We celebrate our successes and learn from our slips. I do believe you have found the right place. I've only been a member since last month and I have made great strides thanks to this community of wonderful people. This will not only help you with your drinking concerns. It will help with your loneliness as well. Best wishes on your journey. We are here for you.

        Comment


        • #5
          Just a little heads-up guys, in case anyone wasn't clear on the distinction, this thread is in the public Dryuary sub-forum, i.e. available to be read by non-members, included in search engine results, etc. Perhaps the Dryuary sub-forum should be closed now to avoid anyone inadvertently sharing things with a wider audience than they intended. Not that I'm saying that's necessarily happened, just that it could as it's not particularly clear if one replies from the What's New? list. I'll mention it to Site Admin.
          My limit: Women's BTB. Solidarity, sisters!
          My target: Running averages of < 7 drinks and > 3.5 abs days per week.

          Comment


          • #6
            pauly6617 Just saying hey and seeing how you're doing? Your honesty and realness in your posts show how aware and introspective you are. I read in one post of yours about anxiety the day after drinking. I just read Alcohol Explained and it covers the alcohol and anxiety connection. It was very helpful for me as someone that has had life long anxiety. Your anxiety feeling doesn't sound as extreme as mine. I certainly felt no anxiety deep into a second bottle of wine but the next morning and all the next day it spiked. On weekends, I started putting amaretto or Bailey's in my coffee to ease that feeling. Then found that I had to drink more (bloody Mary's anyone) as the alcohol wore off or I would have to deal with the spiked anxiety. This continued into beers and then wine o'clock. Hence why I am here and for me absing - right now - is so much better than fighting that anxiety.

            Glad you joined the site. I've learned something from every single person and post I've read on here.

            Comment


            • #7
              Hi Sunflower.

              I am doing good, not perfect but good.

              Why be anything else, I am not here to put on a show for people, none of us should be, this should be a place where we can let our hair down and speak out the garbage we need to.

              Oh yea the anxiety I was getting the next day, bad very bad, as extreme as yours I don't know I could not imagine it being much worse I do know that.

              Oh hell no once the booze is becoming effective anxiety has no power, nothing really does except the buzz and I certainly can understand the hair of the dog the next morning, life sucks a thousand times more when having the anxiety misery crap from after drinking the night before and the next day this horrid feeling, it's the worst feeling I think I've ever felt in all my life.
              This is why people drink in the morning, this is why drunks drink round the clock on skid row and in all other walks of life, fuck this damn impending doom feeling which is this monster called anxiety/depression, it is real and it is a monster but not as big of a monster as we think.

              Sunflower nice to hear back from you,
              listen I have several things I have found and currently use that could benefit you, IDK maybe, if you are interested I will post them or some how I can get the info to you.
              or we meet in private chat & discuss what I have, it's nothing illegal just stuff that woirks

              Let me know
              I have to go to bed, been on here way too long...

              gd night

              Comment


              • #8
                Since I have turned from an out of control drinker, into one who has regular abs days, and tries to moderate (I am not always successful), I have found my anxiety is nearly non-existent. I do not find this surprising, I am a recreational drinker, not a self medicator, and my anxiety was mainly alcohol induced. Since I started this program a year ago, I have only had a handful of anxious middle of the night awakenings. For many years I assumed this was related to mid-life changes. I was fooling myself. It was the booze, and lots of it! Bottles of wine? Bring on the box baby...

                Yes indeed pauly, we can let it all hang out here. the good, bad, and ugly. And not one person judges us. They relate. And even though our different stories brought us here, we are all after a similar goal.

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                • #9
                  Sheryle Love your post! ❤

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                  • #10
                    pauly6617
                    Feel free to post or if you'd rather you can send a private message. I'm currently on lexapro. Been on and off it for years and years. Latest attempt to go off resulted in the worst panic attack of my life - but that was also after a night of heavy drinking plus morning drinking - so ....

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      pauly6617 If you put an @ sign in front of the person's name a list comes up of possible people (similar to Facebook) and you can click on that name. That way the person - if they have "notifications" on - is alerted to you mentioning their name. I have notifications on so I get an email if someone mentions my "name". It's easier than searching the forums.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Welcome Pauly, this is a great place to be, no judgment, just support for our humanness. I am grateful for everyone sharing here.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Sheryle View Post
                          Since I have turned from an out of control drinker, into one who has regular abs days, and tries to moderate (I am not always successful), I have found my anxiety is nearly non-existent. I do not find this surprising, I am a recreational drinker, not a self medicator, and my anxiety was mainly alcohol induced. Since I started this program a year ago, I have only had a handful of anxious middle of the night awakenings. For many years I assumed this was related to mid-life changes. I was fooling myself. It was the booze, and lots of it! Bottles of wine? Bring on the box baby...

                          Yes indeed pauly, we can let it all hang out here. the good, bad, and ugly. And not one person judges us. They relate. And even though our different stories brought us here, we are all after a similar goal.
                          Sweet Sheryle, great message, thanks!

                          Congratulations on your success awesome deal, gives me much hope.
                          I am still drinking but I am on here reading &amp; writing in these posts &amp; I am using the form from this site to monitor how much I drink &amp; when, it's pretty interesting specially the fact I am sticking to it. Kind of funny to see my change in legibility of my writing as the night goes on.
                          To my surprise I am not drinking as much as I thought, certainly much less than the recent past, for that matter most of my drinking past, lol.
                          I plan to do abs for as long as possible, hopefully at least the 30, was hoping not to drink tonight but long hectic day at work. Kind of like the movie airplane, "I think I picked a bad day to quit drinking" lol..

                          I actually found supplements that totally reduce to damn near eliminate the anxiety crap, had it so bad I was having trouble driving my car sober since taking them I now drive a big commercial truck for work as if it was my car, lol.
                          I still drink too much and still alone and I want this to change, alcohol keeps me here and I don't want to be here any more drinking or not, I for sure can not drink and drive as I have done past with very bad results, I have a clean DMV record today & need to keep it that way.

                          I love this program, I just lost this message I am typing and thought it was gone, (I was pissed) then I came back & it saved it for me, sweeeet!

                          Good chatting with ya!

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Kekohu View Post
                            Welcome Pauly, this is a great place to be, no judgment, just support for our humanness. I am grateful for everyone sharing here.

                            Yep Kekohu, that is exactly how I feel let it out no matter what you are doing, how you feel, if you need to vent then vent and listen to what others have to say in response & maybe we can grab a few things that could help us on our journey or what ever.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Hi everyone, mainly to those I did not get to respond to, hopefully I got to respond to everyone who posted to me but if not I am sorry, long day, tired and I have to do laundry & hopefully get a lunch made for tomorrow, but I am beat. I could stay on here all damn night easily but I don't think that'd work out well for driving all day tomorrow along with a lot of other hard work, I need to win the lotto, preferably power ball when it's a 1/2 a billion, lol..

                              Good night every one & look forward to chatting with you all very soon!

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